I am logging my shakes, soups and bars in My Fitness Pal. The best part of the day (and probably most motivating) is when you complete the entry and it says "If everyday were like today you would weight *** in 5 weeks." Seriously...I love that! I don't really know how accurate it is, but it must be somewhat. :-) I do have to "cheat" and lie to MFP a little bit by doing a "Quick Add" of 30-40 calories, because MFP doesn't want to support anorexia or unhealthy diets so they won't let you enter calories less than 1000. Ah well. I'm ok with that sort of cheating.
So the last couple of nights I've been told by MFP that I have the potential to be 198lbs in 5 weeks! The significance is obvious...I will finally be under 200lbs. I spent all of my life under 200lbs until I starting gaining weight when my BFF was battling and passed away from cancer in 2008/9. I was living with her, her husband and her daughter and helping them out at the time. I sprained both of my ankles that winter and then at that point I had already gained about 40lbs from my sort of "normal" weight. By normal I guess I mean the weight I used to think I was fat, but was actually healthy. I looked good in clothes, I could wear what I wanted, but I was always wanting to be model thin. That weight is 155. Anyway, I always go on about when I gained every pound and it's probably weird that I can remember them. If I get back to 198 then I will have officially lost all of the weight that I gained in that very sad time in my life. The 40 I gained first happened when I first went away to be a travel nurse. My friend had just been diagnosed (2007) and I moved to Huntington Beach for a 13wk travel assignment. I started out gaining about 10lbs and thought it was the end of the world or something. I had gained and lost that 10lbs a few times-and it didn't even put me in the overweight category!! Anyway, after that 10lbs I took a 5mo travel assignment in San Diego and gained another 30. I will never work night shift again!! Every night shift assignment resulted in weight gain for me! Due to lack of activity, depression from never seeing sunlight and feeling the need to eat constantly when I wasn't asleep. So there you go....My ultimate high weight was actually about 255, so really a 100lb gain. I managed to lose about 30 of those pounds but gained them back when I...took another night shift job!! Oops! Ah well, I know what I did wrong and I am determined to never lose control again!
I was thinking the other day that I feel like I wasted the years between Oct 2009 and now. So 6 years of my life gone! I can't look back-I can only look forward. I did see a lot and do a lot in those years and I want to revisit many of those places and enjoy them even more when I can move my body better!!! I was also thinking that there are 2 groups of people who know me. The ones who knew me before the gain (and during part of it) and the ones who have only known me fat. I feel like the ones that have only known me fat are only going to have known me overweight are going to always think of me as the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight. They will say things like "oh yeah she lost like 100lbs once." The thought of this terrifies me. I am slightly afraid that when I lose the weight I am going to want to move somewhere no one knows me again...or perhaps somewhere like San Diego or Orange County where I know a couple people who knew me in the in between phase. Arghhh...I guess we will see what life brings in the next year. I am also trying to think of all the things that losing weight will help me do here! One of which is find the perfect nursing role for me. It will likely not be with the clinic I am at now, but I will have the confidence to do what I want and to really think about what that is! It should make me proud that I lost all that weight and I can't keep thinking about the past. I will also admit that I let me old friendships in KC go because I was embarrassed to let them see how much weight I gained. :-( There is also nothing I can do about that but move forward, maybe try and rekindle those friendships when I return for holidays. Or just be ok with have Facebook friendships with them.
I didn't plan to write all of that, but I guess that's what journaling/blogging is all about, huh? :-)
Moving on and moving forward...and hoping to enter the new year in almost a new "century"of weight. :-)
Congratulations on your successes! It can be worthwhile to find some equanimity with our lives and selves... I've lived in Sacramento since 1989. Started with a decent weight and slowly went up in weight. Took weight off and put weight on. Something that makes me squeamish is when I am losing weight and well meaning friends comment on "how good I look". I think women pay too much attention to how other women look. I know they are well meaning but I wonder "gee, did I not look good before?!". I am very committed to tossing this excess weight, learning how to keep it off, and maintaining it once it is off. I say 'toss' rather than 'lose' because I have always found a way to 'find' the weight I've lost! I've been sending my supporters (family and friends) an email each week with a head shot, amount of weight tossed, and something I learned during the past week. I want the support and I also want my own accountability. I enjoy your posts (and comments on the OptiFast FB page)!
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