2 more weeks!!!

Sort of...I think I mentioned that I count the week "over" for this journey when it starts. :-)

Anyway I am halfway through Week 14 at this point.  Still ZERO cheats!  I am really proud of that.  However, I do agree that it is pointless to beat yourself up if you do cheat.  On the other hand I don't think it is OK to give yourself permission to cheat just because nothing bad happened this time.  First of all, as a nurse who has worked with patients at risk for referring syndrome I have seen electrolytes go nuts when you re-feed too fast.  It's not a good thing!  Also, the fact that nothing showed up on the scale this week doesn't mean that what you ate today won't show up next week!  I let myself get away with binging for too many (6) years because I would have a "bad day" and then I wouldn't have a gain on the scale so I allowed it to continue.  And then in 2 weeks I would be up another 2-3lbs and all those 2-3lbs added up to 100!  So, for me personally I need to remember that cheating is only cheating myself and that there is a reason I gained all this weight in the first place.  I will use that going forward into maintenance as well.  I was always a healthy weight and when I think back during those healthy years I would MAYBE once a month eat a little extra but in general I didn't overindulge.  I think one thing that helped me stay there is that I lived with a mother who was overweight and had several extended family members that were obese.  I never thought I would join them in those ranks.  Then, I became a travel nurse, worked crazy rotating shifts and was mostly surrounded by people of healthy weights.  Sounds silly, but I truly think that was part of it-I just stopped paying attention!  Of course, our facilitator has brought that up a few times-that people who are a healthy weight actually do think about what they are putting in their moths even though you don't hear them do it. :-)  Lessons learned, right??

So this week I weighed in at 200.8lbs!  So, that means this Thursday I will be under 200 for the first time since January 2008.  Thank goodness.  The last time I remember weighing myself besides right before I went to Boston.  I remember because I went to Seattle that Sept and weighed in at 198 and I remember telling someone that I was dangerously close to the next century of weight and that I was terrified of getting there.  I met the same people in Vegas that January and I was still the same weight.     So anyway, I am very excited to hit 197 and feel like I am losing the 35 or so pounds that I gained on night shift in San Diego. :-) Sometimes I think back to my time in San Diego and it makes me sad that I left when I did, but I am so glad I went home and spent the next year with my best friend as she was dealing with her cancer and later passed away.  It is frustrating though that when I left SD I was finally getting active again!  Ah well.  I'm finally get back there again!!

Today I did my C25K run.  It was week 8 day 1 and was a 27min run.  I was finally under a 15min pace for the run portion and I know it would have been slightly faster without the pups, but I'm not ready to leave them behind.  ;-) They enjoy it too much.  Plus Lucy still has weight to lose.  Ha!  And Lola just needs the exercise.  She is still crazy after our 40min (total with the warm up and cool down.)  I think I will be back in the 12min/mile range soon enough.  And that is probably where I will hang out forever. :-) If anyone is thinking of doing it, I just want to say that you can run at any weight!  Of course you should probably be walking first, but when I started this my run was a shuffle, literally.  It was not what anyone would ever consider a run, and actually it was probably slower than my walk.  BUT it uses different muscles and it def got my heart rate up higher.  If you do it right you aren't necessarily at risk for more injuries (all about form and not landing on a straight leg.)  I actually recommend wearing a chest strap HR monitor to force yourself to only go at a pace that isn't too much and to follow an interval program.  It has worked great for me this time.  And worked wonderfully for me in the 2001 when I first started running!

Ok, that's it!  Next 2 weeks of group are all about food and transition so they should be really interesting!

Happy New Year!!!

It's 2016!!!  I am officially a 40yr old.  I am not yet in my 40s though.  Haha...

I'll start with my last weigh in on 12/30-I was minus 1.6lbs for a grand total of 37.2lbs.  It is the lowest number I have had but I'm ok with it.  It is still a loss.  There are a few reasons it could be lower.  I switched fiber sources from Metamucil to Benefiber.  I had been doing 1tbsp of sugar free orange Metamucil every night.  When I ran out I went a few days with nothing and then decided to switch to Benefiber because it is "flavorless."  I do 2tsp three times/day.  Technically I think I am getting more fiber each day, but I feel like the Benefiber doesn't work as well.  I'm going to give the whole bottle a go though.  I also feel like my water intake probably went down and my runs went up a little so all of those things lead to my body is probably holding on to water and maybe I'm carrying around more solid waste...I'm a GI nurse, remember?  ;-)  So, long story short I am perfectly happy with my loss and am looking forward to the numbers the next 3 weeks will bring.  That is how long we have until transition.  Well, technically it's 3.5 weeks, but when the week starts I mark it off.  Call it my Pollyanna personality.  Ha!  I remember doing the same thing during school when I was a kid.

I feel like I should be terrified of transition.  I'm not.  I spent a large part of my life eating a fairly healthy diet or being a kid and eating next to nothing.  I have spent a much smaller period of my life overeating and not getting exercise.  I know that the habits I developed over the last 6 or so years will be hard to break, but I also hope that the old healthier habits I used to have will take over.  I have the benefit of lots of knowledge about what to eat and how to prepare it.  A lot of people do not have that going into transition.  One of the guys in my group is shocked at what a portion actually looks like.  I feel like I have a slight advantage.

I still haven't had a cheat and I don't plan to.  The people that have had cheats don't necessarily regret them, but they also say it wasn't a big deal and they got right back on plan.  I think I also have an advantage in that I live alone and I'm content to hang out alone or just go see movies or go on walks with friends.  I think that means I have less temptation.

I welcomed in the new year alone.  And in the past (for as long as I have been an adult) that has made me really sad.  This is the first year that I have not been sad about being single and childless over the holidays.  I also find myself enjoying my nights alone much more than I was.  I used to be sad that I was just sitting home alone when others were hanging out with their families or going out with friends.  It's more like I am choosing to be with myself and I am learning that I am a great person to hang out with.  Ha!  Just me and my pups.  NOT that I am a hermit!  Of course I love people, but I think it is really important to be able to enjoy your own company.  :-)  If you don't like to be around you then why would anyone else?  It will also give me the confidence to go out and meet new people.  I also received a rather obnoxious text from an ex.  He was pretty toxic (as was I) but we still send birthday messages or check in on each other every once in a while.  I was initially excited to see his text because it had been a while.  However the text came after I had received several calls from a number I didn't recognize (which turned out to be him.)  I don't answer calls I don't recognize.  I wasn't in a position to have a phone conversation so I let him know it wasn't a good time.  He responded by sending me a mean text saying that he would have thought I would be more "cosmopolitan or eccentric" by now and that I should just move to Oklahoma because I don't belong in California.  Sorry if anyone reading this is from the midwest, but he is from there as well and has the most insane hate for all things midwestern.  Anyway, I was shocked, but I simply replied that I'm sorry I was enjoying a NYE party and couldn't talk and that I wished him lots of love in 2016.  I don't intend to ever have any contact with him again.  In the past I would have gotten that text and it would have destroyed me.  This year I simply thought wow, he really doesn't know anything about me now and I will rise above this and I don't need someone like that in my life.  PS he is engaged and I am guessing they are fighting or on the verge of breaking up because that is his trend in contacting me.  So unhealthy!

Anyway, that text exchange and the fact that I actually enjoyed a holiday season alone and without any desire to binge when I got that text lead me to believe that I have done some great work on myself and that I may finally be finding my way out of the sadness I have experienced since my best friend passed away.  I used that as an excuse for so long and I think she would be happy to know that I am FINALLY doing the things that I love again.  I have even completed through week 7 of the C210K running app.  I am by no means fast, but that is ok!!  I know speed will come with time and I am feeling stronger with ever step I take-that sounds so cliche but it is true!  I have not been so optimistic going into a new year since I can remember (I think I already said that-BUT I MEAN IT!!)

Oh, I also found out who the nurse manager is for a job I applied to in San Diego.  The timing is horrible.  I would like to wait until May to start a new job but the job is right so we shall see!  I love Northern California and Southern equally, which is a sure sign I am not a native of either.  Ha!

Anyway, Happy New Year!!  May you meet all of your goals, but remember baby steps lead to long term success and help you avoid burn out!  If you have already been in the process of improving yourself then congrats and I know you will continue that momentum in 2016!!

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!

I stayed in California and FaceTimed with my family while they opened gifts.  :-)  I stuck to plan 100% and plan to continue through these last 4 weeks without a cheat!  Not much has changed.  I am not having any more issues with dizziness thank goodness.  We had the MD visit and labs this week and all was perfect!  I lost another 3.something.  So my total loss at the start of week 12 is 35.6lbs.  I'm really happy with that number. :-)  Technically I have been completed 10 weeks of full fast.  So I'm averaging 3.5lbs per week.  They say weeks 5-9 are the true predictors of ongoing loss and it looks like I lost about 3/wk during that time.  The last few weeks things have picked up.  I think I'm getting more steps in and more exercise minutes.  I'm getting at least 40min/day avg and about 6500 steps most days.  According to the MFP predictors I think I'll be just around 190 on transition week.  Yeah!  My short term goal is 164 which just puts me in the healthy weight range with no wiggle room.  My ultimate goal is to settle somewhere in the 150s.  But I'm also not trying to spend too much time thinking about where I'll end up right now.

I've been super emotional at work and I brought it up a little at group this week.  One lady blamed hormones, but I know I've been unhappy in this job for quite some time.  I know that it isn't the job I want to stay in for the next 20yrs and it's hard.  I have feelings of guilt about it and I suppose the way I have been dealing with it so far is by eating those feelings and burying them.  It's a huge relief to have told the doctors I work with and I hope that by doing so I can either make this job more fulfilling and interesting or I can move on.  I applied for a job in San Diego that may or may not be more interesting.  We shall see.  The best case scenario would be my current job becomes more interesting and I can stay put. :-)  We shall see what January brings!

I was going to write about something else, but it slipped my mind.  Ah well.  We briefly talked about transition again this week.  We confirmed it is measure out 2c of veggies and THEN cook.  Thank goodness!   I don't think I could have managed 2 cups of cooked veggies. :-)  I got my multi-cooker and it is unpacked and ready to be washed for my first meal.  I am intrigued by the programs where people do full fast until they reach goal.  I can't help but wonder if that is a good idea or a bad idea.  While it is certainly inspiring to see the scale go down quickly, I think it is also good to see the numbers go down while eating real food.  They did tell us that we could buy up to 3 products/day after week 20 (our last week of transition.)  I have a feeling I will be doing that.  I like having my shake at night and I think that it will help ease me back into things.  It's a much healthier night time snack then a bowl of ice cream and just as tasty (or that's how I remember it-ha!!)  Some people in group are talking about how bored they are, some are super excited for food, some have been through this before and assure us that it isn't all that exciting when we get food because it isn't much and I guess the rest of us are just hanging out. :-)  I am in that group for sure.  I am just trying to think of transition as more rule following.  I plan to mostly eat the same things every day to make it easy (or at least the few items every week.)  They say the people who are successful at losing weight and keeping it off log what they eat, monitor their weight, get 30-60min of exercise and pretty much eat the same foods all the time.  Eating other things will be saved for dinners out with friends.

Guess that's all I've got for tonight!

Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!  Until next week (or until I need to write!)

If everyday were like today...

I am logging my shakes, soups and bars in My Fitness Pal.  The best part of the day (and probably most motivating) is when you complete the entry and it says "If everyday were like today you would weight *** in 5 weeks."  Seriously...I love that!  I don't really know how accurate it is, but it must be somewhat.  :-)  I do have to "cheat" and lie to MFP a little bit by doing a "Quick Add" of 30-40 calories, because MFP doesn't want to support anorexia or unhealthy diets so they won't let you enter calories less than 1000.  Ah well.  I'm ok with that sort of cheating.

So the last couple of nights I've been told by MFP that I have the potential to be 198lbs in 5 weeks!  The significance is obvious...I will finally be under 200lbs.  I spent all of my life under 200lbs until I starting gaining weight when my BFF was battling and passed away from cancer in 2008/9.  I was living with her, her husband and her daughter and helping them out at the time.  I sprained both of my ankles that winter and then at that point I had already gained about 40lbs from my sort of "normal" weight.  By normal I guess I mean the weight I used to think I was fat, but was actually healthy.  I looked good in clothes, I could wear what I wanted, but I was always wanting to be model thin.  That weight is 155.  Anyway, I always go on about when I gained every pound and it's probably weird that I can remember them.  If I get back to 198 then I will have officially lost all of the weight that I gained in that very sad time in my life.  The 40 I gained first happened when I first went away to be a travel nurse.  My friend had just been diagnosed (2007) and I moved to Huntington Beach for a 13wk travel assignment.  I started out gaining about 10lbs and thought it was the end of the world or something.  I had gained and lost that 10lbs a few times-and it didn't even put me in the overweight category!!  Anyway, after that 10lbs I took a 5mo travel assignment in San Diego and gained another 30.  I will never work night shift again!!  Every night shift assignment resulted in weight gain for me!  Due to lack of activity, depression from never seeing sunlight and feeling the need to eat constantly when I wasn't asleep.  So there you go....My ultimate high weight was actually about 255, so really a 100lb gain.  I managed to lose about 30 of those pounds but gained them back when I...took another night shift job!!  Oops!  Ah well, I know what I did wrong and I am determined to never lose control again!

I was thinking the other day that I feel like I wasted the years between Oct 2009 and now.  So 6 years of my life gone!  I can't look back-I can only look forward.  I did see a lot and do a lot in those years and I want to revisit many of those places and enjoy them even more when I can move my body better!!!  I was also thinking that there are 2 groups of people who know me.  The ones who knew me before the gain (and during part of it) and the ones who have only known me fat.  I feel like the ones that have only known me fat are only going to have known me overweight are going to always think  of me as the fat girl who lost a bunch of weight.  They will say things like "oh yeah she lost like 100lbs once."  The thought of this terrifies me.  I am slightly afraid that when I lose the weight I am going to want to move somewhere no one knows me again...or perhaps somewhere like San Diego or Orange County where I know a couple people who knew me in the in between phase.  Arghhh...I guess we will see what life brings in the next year.  I am also trying to think of all the things that losing weight will help me do here!  One of which is find the perfect nursing role for me.  It will likely not be with the clinic I am at now, but I will have the confidence to do what I want and to really think about what that is!  It should make me proud that I lost all that weight and I can't keep thinking about the past.  I will also admit that I let me old friendships in KC go because I was embarrassed to let them see how much weight I gained.  :-(  There is also nothing I can do about that but move forward, maybe try and rekindle those friendships when I return for holidays.  Or just be ok with have Facebook friendships with them.

I didn't plan to write all of that, but I guess that's what journaling/blogging is all about, huh?  :-)

Moving on and moving forward...and hoping to enter the new year in almost a new "century"of weight.  :-)

Halfway there!!!

And by halfway I just mean halfway through with the full fast or "active weight loss" phase.  Yeah!!  It feels good to be there!

So here is a summary:
Optifast products:  6 per day...I typically have 4 shakes, 1 bar and 1 soup
Cheats:  ZERO!!!!!!!
Water:  at least 64oz per day, often times 72oz plus the fluid from the shakes.  :-)
Weight at start:  241.6
Todays weight:  215.8
Total weight lost: 25.8lbs
3.7lbs/week
Weeks of product:  7

I'm somewhat surprised that I'm averaging 3.7lbs/week.  I thought I would stay closer to the 2-3lb range.  I do know that I lost more the first week so it ups the average, but I guess I thought it would even out by then.  :-)  Yeah!

I took the dogs on a walk this morning.  I can't seem to make myself run/walk on Thursdays.  I just don't get enough sleep because I need a couple hours to wind down at night and I don't think I get it when I don't get home til 8.  Ah well.  As long as I walk!  I also parked at the free lot for the hospital that is about a 10min walk away.  Doing both of those things brought me very close to 10000 steps per day so I think I'll keep that up.

I still feel like I should be more nervous to either go back to food or maintain, but I'm really just focusing on getting the job done! I've lost weight counting calories before so I'm not too worried about that part especially since I think I will have momentum going into it.  As far as maintenance goes, I'll see when I get there!

A running coach came to talk to us last night.  I've seen his car around town and I've been curious.  During the maintenance phase Kaiser has lifestyle courses.  One is going to be a running group.  I have a feeling I'll be joining that one.

Other than that not much is going on.  I suppose that's a good thing!!

Any new blogs out there??

When I was looking into this program I was on a hunt for blogs, specifically success stories.  I read the ones that I could find, but I'm finding that this blog doesn't even show up on searches.  Does anyone know how to search in a better way?? Or maybe there really aren't new blogs?  I think what is hard about the old ones is that many stop at some point after the blogger enters maintenance and then starts gaining weight.  I'm sure it would be hard to continue to blog at that point.   I hope I succeed and a year after maintenance I start blogging about all of the benefits to losing the weight and keeping it off!  Or something similar!

If anyone out there is reading this and has found any other newer blogs that appear inspiring let me know!

After Wednesday I will be halfway through full fast!!  If I go buy my current weight I am in the upper 210s and will hopefully cross below 215 in a week and a half or so!  I know I shouldn't set deadlines for weight loss goals, but I'm thinking of it more like a prediction.  :-)  I'm really hoping to have lost half of the weight by end of phase 1!  If I can dip below 200 before transition starts I will be super happy.  I remember a few years ago after I left my travel nurse assignment in San Diego I went to Seattle with some of my nurse friends from SD and I told one of them that I was horrified that my weight had ballooned up to almost a new "century." That number was 190-something.  I remember being devastated and miserable.  I thought my weight would never get that high.  Previously when I had thought I was "fat" my weight was around 165-175 which really isn't too far into the overweight range for my height of 5'8".  I never thought I would enter the obese category.  I feel like I have lost the last 5 or so years of my life being at this weight because it has held me back from doing things I enjoy and meeting new people in the cities I traveled to.  Even here it has kept me from going out and enjoying what I want to!  There is so much to love about the bay area and I need to get out and explore more!  Anyway, I didn't come here to write about any of that.  And I can't think about what I haven't done, but I can focus on taking this 1 day at a time and think about all of the physical things I want to do when I meet my goals!  I even took my bike out the other day (to ride to the movies) and I was so much more comfortable on it then 20lbs ago.  I'm still a chicken and afraid to fall, but feeling lighter definitely helped!!

Signing off...keep up the hard work and let me know if you know of any blogs for people starting out on this journey or recently transitioned and successfully maintaining!!

Angie

Thanksgiving....

Happy Thanksgiving!  I feel like a cheater...BUT it's not from food.  It's because I'm choosing to spend the day alone.  I didn't want to fly back home to KS mostly because I have a teenage niece and I don't think it's appropriate to share a diet like this with her.  I might get some backlash for that but here is why:  I grew up with an obese mother.  I have memories of her dieting as I was growing up-I could be imagining it but I vaguely remember things like grapefruit, cabbage and some paperwork so I know I was aware of her doing this as a child.  All the time I was growing up I was very thin (as in kids made fun of me for being really skinny-and I know some people who might read this might think oh, what a horrible problem, but really everyone has their own struggles and we shouldn't judge).  Anyway, I digress.  I was really thin and an extremely picky eater.  I for sure had some sensory issues with textures and my mom tells me once she force fed me spaghetti (that I don't remember, but I must deep down because I didn't eat spaghetti happily until I became an adult).  It wasn't until I got to college that I started really gaining weight.  Even then I was always in a healthy weight range, but thought I was overweight.  I think many of those issues go back to watching my mom struggle.  I remember telling her once when we were camping that I was always going to walk around with my stomach sucked in.  These aren't healthy thoughts and I don't think any kid should ever have to think about dieting.  They should be given healthy servings of whole foods.  We really shouldn't keep junk in the house and processed food shouldn't be their staples.  Unfortunately I work in a pediatric gastroenterology clinic where we are forced to have a fatty liver clinic and it appalls me that this clinic is even necessary!  I'm rambling again.  My point here is this, my niece is also thin and very tall.  Her friends are shorter and weigh in the 100lb range which is appropriate for their height.  She is around 135 and is 5'7" so well within a healthy range for her height.  Somehow she already thinks that she needs to be 100lbs.  She also came home from health class one day saying that she was told she's only supposed to have 500calories/day.  Clearly she misunderstood.  So we have a beautiful 13yr old kid who is already having body issues and has been surrounded by her mother and my mother who are constantly talking about food and dieting.  Most of the time she knew me when I lived there I was a healthy weight, but half her life I have been obese.  When I see her again I want her to see me making healthy choices so that she will continue to make healthy choices and not think she needs to ever do a rapid weight loss plan.  I just don't want her to focus.  If my other sister and I are her only 2 positive food influences that's ok as long as she has 2!  My plan is to go back in March for my nephews' birthdays and be very close to a healthy weight and enjoy my time with them without the stress of the holidays.

My friends here that are like my second family sometimes have people over, but I explained to them a long time ago that I wouldn't be spending it with them this year.  They will survive and are going to dinner at a lodge near the ocean with their other second family.  :-) I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad to miss out and not be eating, etc but I don't.  I'm losing weight and feeling stronger.  I know that it is only 1 Thanksgiving and 1 Christmas.  I know that in the future I will be able to enjoy making healthy choices at holiday dinners and have more fun with the kids.  SO there it is.  My cheat is avoiding the holidays.  :-)  Christmas movies and a walk with my dogs is on the schedule for today.  Maybe I will venture out to a movie in the theater, but right now I'm pretty comfy in my pajamas.  :-)

Weight update!
I have finished week 7 of the program (6 weeks of full fast).  I have not cheated one time.  I have slacked on water drinking a couple of times and when that happens I get headaches so I'm trying to make it a priority.  TOM is this week so I was slightly worried about what I would lose, but not because I knew if it was a small loss I would make up for it the following week.  Gotta love being a woman.  Plus they say everyone plateaus at a some point.
The verdict is...
This weeks weight loss 2.8lbs
Total weight loss 23.4lbs

So I'm right on track still to lose 2-3lbs/week which is my personal hope/goal.  I've been walking the dogs 30min per day minimum.  I've been moving more at work.  I've been doing my run/walk.  I did get behind so I'm on week 4.  Call it laziness, but I knew I would be off 4 days so I thought I would save the last 2 days for this long weekend rather than do it with the dogs.  They make it hard!  Too much pulling in other directions, etc.

I wish I could say I have a magic formula for the shakes, bars, soups, but it is what it is.  I'm good until people say "oh I could never do that" or "oh that must be so hard."  Then, I start to doubt myself that I can finish, but I can't continue to let other people influence what I think I can do!!  So I shut down those voices with I already completed 7 weeks, I'm almost halfway through and now I'm on the downhill.  One thing that is good is that I will be moving into continued weight loss with transition so it should keep me interested and will probably come at a time when I will finally be bored.

We just started bringing up transition a little last week.  I think some of the things I'm going to try now will help me.  For example, my goal is to eat at my table 3 nights this week starting tonight!  That should help me with mindful eating.  I think it's ok to text while I eat just because a lot of people would be having dinner with their family then and be talking so how is texting different.  I'm not sure I am ready to turn off the TV.  So for now it is just sit at the table, take my time (15-20min) and feel what it feels like.  I think I've been sort of practicing that now.  I have been trying to pay attention to every single bite.  OH!  Also, I have passed the 220 mark so I get my first reward!  I decided that the first thing I'm going to buy is cute small bowls!  I can use them in my eating soup at the table plan and hopefully it will keep me interested.  :-) I plan to go to our cute shopping street here and go to this little boutique store I really like!  I think that's all I have to say today!